I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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