My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
