And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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