Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
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Semen is not good for contacts.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
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I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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