So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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