So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
why is half of my head shaved?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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