Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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