Nicole vs. Life
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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