I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
