Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
