I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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