I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
