dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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