I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
