dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
