I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
i've created a new STD.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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