She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
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How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
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Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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