i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
