How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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