Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
