Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
