Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
