well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
