Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
