wakey wakey hands off snakey
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
