the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
