His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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