I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
