How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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