She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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