theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
