i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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