i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Randomize
