Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
