y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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