guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
