god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize