Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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