Redeem this text for a blowjob
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
