Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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