No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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