I am full of burrito and curiosity
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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