Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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