He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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