I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
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Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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