so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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