Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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