I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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