nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
