I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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