haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
