I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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