I was born with a shot glass in my hand
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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