is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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