MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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